Everyone’s gotta getaway

I wish Pat Green’s “Carry On” was my inspiration for this post, but it’s not.  That song always makes me so happy.

I left town yesterday after work.  Checked into my hotel and went to run errands and get dinner.  Dinner was a cinch, and I just took it back to the hotel to eat.  The errands were not.

I need work clothes.  I pretty much only wear dresses and stretchy jeans because that is all that fits.   I have protested buying anything for long enough.  I am not losing the weight and I have no clothes that fit.  I am pretty much the same size and shape I was before WW, just 10 lbs lighter.  This is horrifying to me.  I said I would NEVER be here again.  Nothing I do seems to work.  I hate Hashi’s, hormones, and all these Dr’s that have no clue.

I went to a store I don’t shop at, but there weren’t many choices.  Nothing fit even in the size I am, my body is shaped like it was before.  Not so long ago, it was easy and everything fit.  Now again I have the big butt, big hips, and a muffin top.  I can’t even explain how badly I want to go back to what my normal was for the last 7 years.  My heart hurt as I walked out of the store.   There were big tears when I got back to my room.   ODB tells me it’s a little bump in the road.  He’s so sweet about it (he’s the best).  I HATE he sees me so upset about this.  It seems so very petty and shallow.  I bitch about it everyday.

I was so exhausted that after dinner I watched King of the Hill and fell asleep early.

Most of today was a better day.  My heart was whole.  I smiled, I laughed, and I couldn’t have asked for more.  Stuffed avocados, squirrel feeders, baby chicks, and people of Walmart.  Yes, I said it.  I had fun at Walmart with someone.    I hate Walmart.

And then the day ended and I cried.  No, I didn’t just cry, I completely broke down before leaving town.  The worst it’s ever been.  I cried big tears as I drove away and for the next 25 miles after that.  Yeah, I am crying again typing this.  My heart breaks every time we have to be separated.  I was crazy without a phone in SF and being able to talk and text.   I have never been that person who is a whiny baby about being away from someone.  That was before this.  That was before I decided I wasn’t really a bed hog, before I decided Walmart wasn’t so bad together, and we had all of our inside jokes.  We make a pretty awesome duo.

In my dreams, I am back to my old “normal” weight and he’s here.  All of the time.  And there would be way fewer tears.

13 secrets women never tell

13 secrets women never tell

I read that and thought, hmm, I am sure most don’t, but I WILL!

He Hurt Me More Than I’ll Ever Tell-I am not sure this is exactly true.  If I haven’t told, it’s because I haven’t remembered things.  

I’ll Never Be Prettier Than She Is-This is true, who doesn’t think that about someone at least once in their lives?  It’s not something that I think often at all though.

I’m Scared Of Becoming My Mother-Yes.

I’m Scared I Won’t Become My Mother-In a way.  My mom was a great mom.

I Really Don’t Think I’m Getting Married-Yes.  I am pretty sure I never will, and I am not sure how I feel about that.

I’m Afraid Of Getting Old And Ugly-Yes.  Hashi’s and the adrenal stuff haven’t been kind to me in the premature aging department.  I look way older than I did a few years ago.  It’s life, but I don’t have to like it.

I Wish I Never Slept With Him-I’ve actually never thought this.  

I Think About Sleeping With Him A Lot-Guilty.  ODB is always on my mind.

I’m Not Going To Be Able To Get Pregnant-From what I’ve been told, this is probably true.  I am still torn on having children and currently it’s not an option.  I don’t make enough money to support myself and a child and my relationship doesn’t lend itself to that either.

I Sometimes Think About Plastic Surgery-Did.  I laughed at this one because it said it’s for the fake.  Consider me fake.

I Could Be A Lesbian-Thought about it yes.  Am I, no.  

I Hate My Best Friend Sometimes-I’ve never hated her.  I guess my love for her is different than others.  When she got married I was exposed to some nasty jealousy.  I didn’t feel it at all.  I was overjoyed.  I however, in the years since, have been jealous of her before because her husband is sweet and shares the chores and does random nice things for her.  I didn’t have that like she did.  No longer an issue, I have that now, it’s just far away.  

I Want To Be Beautiful-What woman doesn’t want to be beautiful?

 

Preflight run

Apparently the Austin airport has started more 6 am flights. Usually there is no one in line for security. Leaving my house at 4:20 am should have been fine. Thursday morning was a madhouse!

It took me almost 45 minutes to get through security. My first time taking carry on only. As soon as I got through the scanner I heard my name on the loudspeaker. Shit! I was THAT person. The asshole the whole plane is waiting on. And that meant no breakfast. And no time for makeup.

I didn’t even put my boots back on. I sprinted through the airport to my gate. Luckily I wasn’t the last one and a few guys behind me were later. I ended up putting my shoes back on when I got my carryon stowed, thank goodness there was room.

Forgot my Epic bars were in that suitcase, so I had to buy breakfast. I will probably be sorry Iater but I needed to eat. Tossed the biscuit which was wrapped separately and ate a hard boiled egg, cheese, and grapes. Yeah only one of those is AIP allowed. After today my food is provided for me , which is fine, at least it’s gluten free.

Waiting for my buddies to get in. Boston arrives in time for lunch and Denver in time for dinner. :-) my team arrives tomorrow. Sister is the only one who didn’t come this year.

I am looking forward to having an extra day in the area. I’ve actually never explored Berkley at all. Usually I stick to San Francisco.

Plan B

New Dr. FAIL

$9100 up front (for 6 months) and he said I already do most of what he requires, so I am already way more advanced in knowledge and experience.

I am glad my sister was there to agree that it would be crazy to spend that money for most of what I do already.

Plan B

Back to strict AIP next week and praying it works.

And Plan C in the meantime is to see my high school friend’s doctor in San Antonio.

I have an amazing support system with my ODB.  I wish he was closer :-(   I am determined to beat this!